i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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