I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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