I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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