I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
