that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
