i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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