She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
you never un-have a 4some
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
