We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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