So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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