So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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