i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
