You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
