the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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