i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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