is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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