Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
