i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
