I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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