I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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