I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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