i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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