I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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