I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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