im six kinds of drunk right now
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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