My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
