I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
