I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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