I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
did i walk over a car last night?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
