I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
