Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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