Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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