He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
