I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
