explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
