If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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