The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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