Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
