Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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