Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
