Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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