fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
