youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
