fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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