best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
