Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
