We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
