ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
