Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
