Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
