Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
